Okay, so I'm having "boy" problems... I have two guys wanting to date me: My nonChristian ex, and a sweet, gentlemanly Catholic. Now, I would love to be just friends with both of them, but I have an awful time saying no to people, and especially guys! Does anyone have any advice?
Another question I have is whether I should even be friends with my ex at this point,. When he found out that I was considering dating another guy, he totally freaked on me and went into this mega guilt-trip. He was so manipulative, and it scares me. On another occasion, he was upset (about Facebook notifications, of all things), and started talking about raping me. I don't know whether he was serious or not... He's talked about all this violent stuff, and I don't know what to do. I want to be friends, yet I'm scared to make him upset.
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21 replies on this topic
Stephanie - 3/14/12 @ 8:37 PM
The ex sounds like he is still trying to control you.....and it sounds like you need a restraining order or something. You don't joke about raping someone! I say tell him to see his way out the door or man up and stop acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
The other guy: well, make sure he knows that you are not going further than a friendship with him. If he keeps pressuring you to be more than friends, than get rid of him to. lol
Sarah - 3/14/12 @ 9:40 PM
Thanks, Steph :) How're you doing?
Needy Servant - 3/14/12 @ 11:11 PM
The ex needs to be out of your life period, I might not be giving you the answer you were looking for but that doesn't matter, he needs to know Jesus and all you can do is tell him that and send him on his way with prayers. Do not continue in a relationship with him at all, not friends not more than " I didn't expect to see you here how are ya? (mention Jesus) K , bye."
As for any other guy stuff or relationship stuff - just let God decide, we are usually wrong.
Amber - 3/15/12 @ 4:23 AM
Wow girl yea i agree with what was said above get rid of the ex that's scary and that's not something to joke about or say to someone. I know its hard to let an ex go since u saw my post but its for the better sometimes. We need men that love us and don't act like that. Good luck girl and just pray pray pray and ill be praying for u. :)
Spirit in the Sky - 3/15/12 @ 8:54 AM
A girlfriend I used to have in highschool used to tell me "truth in jest" whenever I make 'jokes'. I would not take your ex's "jokes" about raping you lightly and would strongly advise putting as much distance between you two as possible for your own safety.
KingsKid - 3/15/12 @ 2:13 PM
This guy needs to be out of your life. You don't have to feel obligated towards him at all or feel guilty about cutting off contact. He is not respecting you at all and is trying to manipulate and control you. Ask God for strength. You can boot him, girl! :)
I also agree with Steph.
Thirst - 3/15/12 @ 9:35 PM
When in doubt, don't get in a romance. If you have doubts chances are there are reasons for those doubts
Ariel - 3/16/12 @ 8:56 AM
I would say cut the ex out of your life. I didn't read the rest of the comments, but just the fact that you said he was talking about raping you is a giant red flag. I don't know if he was "joking" about it, but that is not a joke in any way, shape or form. When a man rapes someone, it's not about sex. It's about power and control. It seems to me that he's feeling a loss of control with you thinking about dating someone else. DO NOT go back to him. He sounds abusive and dangerous just from this little thing you have here. Please protect yourself.
Sarah - 3/16/12 @ 10:32 PM
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your advice and input--and support!
Stephanie - 3/16/12 @ 10:46 PM
@ Sarah
Eh, I'm okay. This has certainly been the longest and most difficult week of my entire life! But God is faithful! I love how when my life feels like it is in complete and utter chaos, that is when I hear His still small voice the most!!
Nicole - 3/17/12 @ 7:30 AM
Well, first off, cutting him out of your life is not a bad thing. And don't let him pull the "that's not very Christian" card. God knows your heart and your intentions. He knows you don't plan on hurting him for selfish reasons. You are doing it to keep yourself safe.
The other guy sounds like an amazing guy. Tell him that you are more comfortable being friends at this point. As your brother in Christ he should be perfectly fine with that :)
Sarah32 - 3/19/12 @ 10:39 PM
I know it's nice to feel like you're wanted by guys, Sarah. All of us of the female kind have been there I'm sure- loving the attention, even when we don't necessarily love the guy. I will say, after years of heartbreak and personal stupidity that dating a guy just to date when you don't have true intentions with him is just waiting for disastrous results. There's healing in the broken from Jehovah Rapha (the God who heals), but why go through the painful process if you know the end result will only bring wounds? It's like hitting your foot with a hammer and saying the doctor can fix it. Yes, the swelling will alleviate itself, and yes, the doctor can salve the pain, but if you already know what torture the process entails, why allow yourself to be banged up and bruised?
Many times, a casual dating relationship will result in a serious one. Many people will see red flags in the beginning, yet still choose to date the person because they 'want to have fun.' In the end, someone always gets hurt. Yet...it's very difficult to say no. Watching romantic movies (even disney ones;) can fuel our romantic nature and cause us to want to give ourselves away. It seems innocent, and it seems like it will only bring happiness...but there's a darker side. Note: I'm not against relationships. I'm only warning against relationships where the only aim is to have fun. If you don't really like this first guy and see yourself with him for the long-haul, I would rethink the relationship. Does he possess the qualities you desire for the longterm? How is his relationship with God? As far as his catholcism is concerned, how do your beliefs mesh? What does he believe doctrinally, and is it what you believe?
On to the ex, there's some people you just have to cut out of your life, your ex (hands down) sounds like he's one of them! Even if his threats aren't genuine, why would you want to allow someone into your life who talks to you in the way he does? If he is violent and speaks of violence, he's obviously entrenched in violence. This could in fact mean that you will be a target to his twisted behavior. He's not a safe person, and he is not a guy to trust.
Spend time preparing yourself for the right guy, Sarah. I would say- pray diligently about who God wants in your life and pray that your heart and his will be prepared for each other in the right time. Write out a list of qualities you want in a guy after you've prayed and let that be your guideline. God listens and He does answer prayers.<3
KingsKid - 3/20/12 @ 9:30 AM
Sarah32, that is wonderful advice for anyone. Thanks a lot. :)
Sarah - 3/20/12 @ 1:29 PM
Thanks, Sarah
Rachel - 3/20/12 @ 1:50 PM
I think its one thing to make a joke about something but what he did sounded more like a threat than a joke (though I don't know what context it was in). So I agree with everyone else. However, I know its not always the easiest thing to do, to just cut someone out of your life. If you do decided that you don't want to have anything to do with this guy I would just slowly start having less to do with him.
About the other guy, I don't really see any harm in going on a date or two. But only if you want too. It doesn't have to be anything serious. You could just be honest with him, let him know that you're not sure if you're ready for a relationship but you'd love to hang out sometime and see where things go. You never know :) lol
hope - 3/21/12 @ 2:30 PM
hey girl. i know that these situations are not easy!! but god has this awesome plan for your life. he puts ppl in your life and takes them out for a reason.
god has obviously put a good guy in your path. dont let him get away for fear of your past. look forward and take gods path! he will undoubtly take care of the rest. trust him with your life and your problems! but remember but always tell god how big your problems are, tell your problems how BIG YOU GOD is!!:) praying for you girl!
Isaac - 3/22/12 @ 12:40 PM
I believe that getting into a relationship that will go beyond friends with either is not the way to go. The Bible teaches that bad company ruins good morals, Catholics have different doctrines so it is not of God.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
Patience. God will put someone in your life that follows His ways.
KingsKid - 3/23/12 @ 10:42 AM
^^Yeah, that's true.
CraigSnedeker - 3/24/12 @ 7:20 PM
Pretty much repeating what was already said, but stay away from your ex. I was pretty freaked out when you said he threatened to rape you. I'd tell some adults about that... though it might be hard, because he might consider doing it if he's that mad/jealous about it.
Sarah - 3/25/12 @ 4:21 PM
Yeah, thanks Craig. I have told a few people about the threat, so at least if it ever does happen, people will hopefully remember that there was that possibility and be more willing to believe me.
I have essentially stopped talking to the ex; we're still Facebook friends, but we're not exactly communicating, and I don't intend to continue talking at this point. I want to be a light to him, so I don't want to go all extreme with restraining orders and blocking; but I do also want to stay safe.