My mom was 19 when I was born, and my real dad gave up his rights and left. He had a lot going on with him, his mom was drinking heavily and he just lost his dad. I was 12 when my parents told me I was adopted. And I'm 17 now, me and my bio dad have a good relationship, I see him every once in a while and I've told myself over and over that it's not his fault he left, that we have a good relationship now and thats all that matters. And over and over again I keep getting these thoughts like, I'm not good enough. I was a bad kid, there was something wrong with me and thats why he didnt want me. I'm trying so hard not to blame him but especially hard not to blame myself for him leaving. I can't talk to him about it, and I'm trying very hard to forgive him and to let it go and to tell myself it wasn't me. But I just cant get rid of these thoughts. any advice?
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24 replies on this topic
daniel@seekGodnow.org - 7/25/11 @ 3:05 PM
come to terms with yourself about why you're having these thoughts. if you don't understand yourself, you can't really do anything about it but wander around in your mind. ask yourself why you aren't willing to forgive him (willingness is the issue, there are no other obstacles because Jesus died for you, a sinner), and why you aren't letting go of it yet, and why you think it was your own fault.
i would have to disagree with you that it was not your dad's fault that he left. if he didn't want you because you were bad, then that was selfish of him. he did not have to leave, he gave up his rights and left. apparently that was his decision. but regardless of how evil he has been in the past, you can forgive that and just go with the present. however, i would like you to notice that you even said it was hard to forgive him for leaving even though you try to say you know it wasn't his fault he left. if you try to tell yourself it wasn't his fault, you're lying to yourself, and if you manage to believe that lie, you're going to have more problems. i would also recommend that you consider if your relationship with him really is good, if it's you telling yourself that or if the relationship you have with him tells you that.
unless you actually did something wrong that influenced him to leave, you are blameless in this matter. but if he left for any reason that you did not cause, then that would be entirely his own fault.
if i were you i'd just try to come to terms with the truth about everything and not try to convince myself into believing something that there's no reason to believe in.
Nicole - 7/25/11 @ 10:05 PM
thanks daniel, that did help a lot. I need to realize that it was his fault not mine and then forgive him. I have to work on the first step though. I still blame myself
daniel@seekGodnow.org - 7/26/11 @ 12:45 AM
well what was wrong with you? why do you call yourself "bad" ?
Nicole - 7/26/11 @ 1:14 AM
When I was born I had siezures and was in and out of the hospital for a few weeks, and when I found out at 12 I just assumed that I wasn't good enough and it stuck with me all 5 years.
Nicole - 7/26/11 @ 11:15 AM
@ thirst - no, my dad is not a douche. I love him a lot and he he tries as hard as he can to keep our relationship going, phone calls visits etc. Anyways, that last bit, it made me cry. Because I tell this to people all the time but I never listen to myself. If a freind feels bad cuz her bf broke up with her I tell her how beautiful she is through the eyes of Christ. But I just assumed that I didn't need to be told that or that it didn't apply to me. When I read it though, I don't feel beautiful or good enough ever but I think it's time for me to stop listening to those voices, because God is the only voice I need to listen to. And the other voices that tell me I'm nnot good enough, those are my satan buttons. lol thats what I call them, those buttons that satan knows to push so you stay right where you are and dont change. I'm tired of listening to them. Anyways, thank you. Just that simple sentence changed my outlook entirely.
Thirst - 7/26/11 @ 11:23 AM
I know what you mean, on believing that you don't need to be supported by that. I'm fairly sure most Christians relate to what you are saying, and I know He is overjoyed that you have realised all this - it is so important to Him.
I'm glad to have been used by Christ, for you.
daniel@seekGodnow.org - 7/26/11 @ 12:10 PM
I marked Thrist's previous post insulting your dad as inappropriate.
regarding what you said about yourself having seizures, that has nothing to do with whether you're beautiful or not. in reality, while people may look beautiful, they are certainly not. this is because its the inside that counts. now one may be a nice person online, or to one's friends/family, but how is that person when they get hurt? or how are they toward their enemies? even tax collectors and the pharisees are nice to their friends, but only the children of God have unconditional love for all. basically what i'm saying is no one is beautiful on the inside unless they die to self and God changes their heart from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh, that will respond to God's commands and words. saying someone is beautiful internally, when you don't even know the person we'll, is just a way to flatter them. if someone said I was beautiful on the inside, i'd have to know what they're talking about. if someone said that about me because they loved me, I'd know they said it because they saw me that way, and because they were just pointing out goodness in me, but not because they really believe i'm beautiful inside. only a saint is beautiful on the inside. if you think someone is beautiful on the inside and that person isn't a saint, then its just you're opinion. and that's a fine opinion to have of someone but it can be real unrealistic. let's say children are beautiful on the inside. why? because they're closer to saints than most of us are, because they're innocent. in other words, when it comes to what isn't visual, there is nothing beautiful but what God has made, and yet God did not make us liars, haters, wicked and deceitful cruel and unlovely. so we should be careful about what we call beautiful. the truth is we're not beautiful until Jesus washes us in His own blood and saves us from our sins.
anyway, the seizure/health problem was definitely not your fault. so you definitely shouldn't blame yourself. in fact, if you blame that problem, you're actually blaming God, because while God definitely didn't give you those problems to harm you, He allowed you to have those problems. why? i don't know. but who else forms us in the womb? so don't feel bad about the way God chose to make you. God did nothing wrong.
ok so if your dad left because you had those problems, then he really was a bad father, and you were just an innocent child. just think about it from outside of your shoes:
there's a girl who was born to a 19 year old mom, and the real father left because the girl had seizure problems and stuff. now who is to blame for the father leaving? just the father. who needs to feel bad? just the father. and who should be forgiven? just the father. so let that be your way of thinking. if you consider why you still feel bad about yourself, you may realize that what you could be doing is just feeling sorry for yourself because you werent born without those problems, and feeling sorry for yourself this way is also against God. you shouldn't be unhappy because you have those problems. God gave you life and Jesus died for you.
daniel@seekGodnow.org - 7/26/11 @ 12:17 PM
also I want to add that Jesus didn't die for anybody because they were beautiful. remember we are all sinners, so we have hatred toward God before our conversion, so in what way are we beautiful? no way whatsoever. God saved us because He loves us. are we worth it? no, we are worthy only of death, as the wages of sin is death. we have nothing about ourselves that is worth a breath God gives us, and yet He sent His Son to die for us, to save us because He loves us. there is no greater love than His.
Thirst - 7/26/11 @ 4:16 PM
Nice way to bring the thread down.
Ii'll write on your wall about this. This thread, and more importantly, Nicole, doesn't needed o be dragged down with this disagreement between you and me.
Zombie Pickles - 7/26/11 @ 4:23 PM
@Daniel- God thought we were worth enough to send Jesus to die for us. Not even a nice quick beheading. He was crucified because God loved us so much. If we weren't worth anything- would God love us?
John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only son..."
He loved us, we deserve death but that does not make any of us worthless. No one loves a worthless thing. Like a banana peel. No one likes those laying around. You can only love something of worth.
Zombie Pickles - 7/26/11 @ 4:26 PM
@ Nicole, I'm sorry. Don't blame anyone. We aren't battling against flesh and blood. Blame Satan. Satan did this so that you would feel this way, now you can choose to either run to God or blame yourself and hide and beat yourself up over something that you didn't do.
Do you hear me?
daniel@seekGodnow.org - 7/26/11 @ 5:11 PM
if God loved us because we are worth something, that love would simply be due. does He owe us love? certainly not.
@thirst,
what i wrote was for nicole. it didn't have anything to do with you
Thirst - 7/26/11 @ 6:11 PM
Somehow, I doubt that. Sad, on a Christian forum.
corro13 - 7/26/11 @ 8:52 PM
it seems that daniel implies that God makes trash. that God made people and that there completely worthless trash.
corro13 - 7/26/11 @ 8:57 PM
@ nicole, the first part of forgiving someone is to admit they did something wrong that needs to be forgiven, and its likey even had you been completely healthy he would have left anyway, but from what you say about how he is now, it might be good to talk to him.
Nicole - 7/26/11 @ 9:05 PM
Thanks guys, well the good news is I'm not blaming myself anymore. And daniel - I disagree. While I dont think we deserve the love or life that God has given to us, I don't think I'm worthless. God doesn't make worthless things, what would that say about him?
corro13 - 7/26/11 @ 9:32 PM
its good to hear you arent blaming yourself.
Thirst - 7/26/11 @ 11:07 PM
What corro said. That's a huge step, and the best part is that it's completely true. Doubts only hinder us in our walk with Him, and again, it is awesome that you realise the truth.
Nicole - 7/27/11 @ 8:25 AM
Thank you thirst, and corro. I was thinking the other day about all of this, and wondering why he really left and then I just stopped, and decided that it doesn't matter. He got his life together found God, and I mean he's here now. That should be what counts. but i still need to work on forgiving him for leaving. that will take some effort. but thank you guys for really opening my eyes.
dee - 7/27/11 @ 8:27 AM
awe nicole!! there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. your parents had things going on in their lives and their choice was to give you to other parents who could take better care.. that DOES NOT mean that you weren't meant to be!! you ARE -- you're here. just like every other person in the world, whether adopted or even a product of rape have a future. God loves you nicole -- we all love you!! xox