Only funny jokes!! Rabbi Ezra, his wife, and their children, were really curious as to why Gentiles were so fond of eating pork. They decided to try some, but there was nowhere in town they could go and not be seen.
One weekend, the Rabbi and his family traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered roast pork.
While they were waiting to be served, a member of Rabbi Ezra's Synagogue walks in. He sees the Rabbi and his family. The member asks if he could join them for dinner. The Rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The Synagogue member is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the Rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
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16 replies on this topic
CraigSnedeker - 8/23/10 @ 9:54 AM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. LOL
Japlace - 8/23/10 @ 1:11 PM
A problem with teeth:
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
ivan - 8/23/10 @ 1:30 PM
Definitely enjoying these! Keep it coming!
JesusFreak - 8/23/10 @ 1:49 PM
I am enjoying these also!
O.0 - 8/23/10 @ 1:52 PM
LOL LOL LOL
Japlace - 8/23/10 @ 2:15 PM
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
PutHisBloodOnIt - 8/23/10 @ 3:30 PM
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Japlace - 8/23/10 @ 3:32 PM
There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
"You man the guns, I’ll drive."
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef....
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer!
What kind of guns do bees use?
Bee Bee guns.
What do you call a pony's cough?
A little Hoarse!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little "whine"
What did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
Hahaha, i think i'm done for a while,lol.
CraigSnedeker - 8/23/10 @ 4:16 PM
LOL love the dying preacher one!!
Sarah - 8/23/10 @ 6:35 PM
I don't think I could pick a favourite if I had to! Those are so FUNNY!!!!!!
CraigSnedeker - 8/23/10 @ 6:40 PM
Haha :D xD
Cody - 8/23/10 @ 10:17 PM
A man stands by his house during a flash flood. the water is at his ankles. A car drives by and the driver says "there is a flood yo must jump in!" The man answers "God will save me"
The water gets up to his stomach and a boat floats by. the driver exclaims "There is a flood, you must jump in!" The man replies "God will save me"
The water gets up to his neck and a helicopter drops a rope to him. The pilot yells "There is a flood, you must jump in! The man replies "God will save me"
Of course the man dies, and he goes to heaven for his immense faith. He asks "God, Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "I gave you a car, a boat, and
a helicopter, what more do you want!"
Japlace - 8/23/10 @ 11:13 PM
A sermon about lying:
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Lex - 8/24/10 @ 2:12 AM
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"
"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"
"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.
"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
Japlace - 8/24/10 @ 2:47 AM
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
____________________________________________________________________________________
A man was walking through a forest pondering life.
He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered.
He felt very close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...
Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you.
It means almost nothing to me.
It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
___________________________________________________________________________________
This next one is true for alot of churches now a days...
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity".
Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help.
The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer.
The next Sunday the man returned.
The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said,
'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
debra - 8/24/10 @ 5:27 AM
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play.
"What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"