Im sitting here on my chair, knife in hand just thinking. Im pretty sure I want to do it, I mean Ive been there many times in the past to the threshold of life and death so I dont fear death. Well thats not true I fear the cold embrace I always felt before that voice. What I fear is what I leave behind. Before this point I thought I had it all together and living a good life. I have a job, a car, a roof over my head (even though its living with parents until Im financially sound) And a few very good friends. All that isnt enough sometimes. I get this feeling when Im off my meds that I can never be enough for anyone ever. Thats why Ive been abused in my past relationships, it kind of solidifies that all Im good for is being a punching bag. I try to be a good person, Im well groomed, polite, have a goofy personality but behind that is a tortured soul that hopes for happiness, true happiness which I know Ill never see. I want to be stopped, but I dont. I want to be shown what I could live for, but I know there is nothing. Forsaken love is all that is in store for my life. Spend and endure a lifetime of pain, with small hope of happiness or eternal damnation thats all it comes down to. I have a feeling that my guardian angel wont be here to help me this time, kinda like the three strike rule ya know.